How’d We Ever Get This Way? Endings and Beginnings.
Sometimes, at least for a while, you can’t have everything.
My husband and I used to be basically, nearly literally, attached at the proverbial hip. Probably in an almost “unhealthy” way. I think we might have lost ourselves in each other a bit. I even started calling myself his “handler and sidekick” (That’s the job description I gave myself on Facebook, which makes it official). Our worlds revolved around each other.
Then I started school on a part time basis and I was so intensely passionate about what I was doing that some distance started to grow between us, and we were no longer spending EVERY SECOND POSSIBLE with each other anymore. But it seemed ok to me because I thought we were dead set in stone in our love.
He was happy for me, and encouraging, and supportive but (and this is just my conjecture) he might have started to feel like “But… what about me?”. He once told me that he saw me SO happy with school and that he didn’t think HE made THAT happy. He also once said that besides being my husband he didn’t know who he was anymore. And I guess things started slowly/not so slowly unravelling until we ended up in divorce-ville. That wasn’t THE reason, it was part of a whole lot of crazy shit that happened during the first half of 2016. It wasn’t the reason in world terms, but I think it was the reason God terms.
I don’t think God took away my marriage and my husband to hurt me and make me suffer, I think he knew that we both were heading into paths where neither one of us would have enough of ourselves to share with each other. There were things that were going to need our respective full attention. And I needed to find my own ground as a separate entity from Neil Hedley and Neil and Tatiana.
At least it has been that way for me. I have often, throughout the 2 semesters of college I have done so far, thought to myself: This would have been a fucking mess if Neil was still here. We wouldn’t have survived this. And if I had continued to give him attention and time I wouldn’t have been able to move this forward (my work). And I am sure, sure in a way that goes beyond earthly surety, that God wanted me on this path and that I would need all of my me to get started.
There was no room for anything or anyone else in this (for now). My dogs were already more than I could take care of but I would also need their company and support to not go insane from the emotional pain, the loneliness, the questioning, the heartbreak, the busyness, the everything. They gave me a reason to get up and live and keep trying when I thought I just couldn’t. And they made me laugh, because fuck, dogs are hilarious!
Anyway, I’m close to starting third semester of Interior Decorating at Humber College (Toronto, Canada) and I feel like it’s the first time I will start a semester without the heavy, crushing pain that accompanied me in the first two. I have grown, learned, evolved, shifted, found internal balance, peace, faith, strength, commitment, dedication, unconditional love, acceptance, respect, steady joy, tenacity. I have felt passion and excitement for what I do that overwhelms me and brings me to my knees in gratitude.
And the people. My God. The people. I never realized how much love and support surrounds me. Damn. I just can’t even…